Life Death and Love's Endurance
by sarenelsoria
Summary: Bilbo Baggins saves the Royals of Erebor at the cost of his own life. He is allowed to go back to the mortal world as a dwarf. Eons ago she was the wife of Thranduil and as Bilbo she was the one of Thorin Oakenshield. However the Valar make her forget everything, but she still feels the love she once felt for those she loves. She must choose what King she will love in this life


Chapter One

He couldn't let them die, he couldn't let them die, they would not die, and he would die first. He would not loose them! He charged up the tower and shoved into Bolog they tumbled down together, Bilbo grasping onto his sword belt and suddenly his life flashed before his eyes. However it wasn't just his life it was all the lives he had ever lived, he was a human, then he was a dwarf several times, as well as other hobbits and even a female elf that caressed the face of Thranduil a tiny child by her side. Then his memories faded and the world turned black.

_"Welcome home my daughter, you can return to Middle Earth if you so desire, but there will be a price, there always is."_

_"What price?" Bilbo asked._

_"You can not be Bilbo Baggins that form is lost to you and you cannot be the elleth you once were. You will become a dwarf a female dwarf and you will loose all memories of your life before. Your friends will think that you are dead, both the kings you love will morn the memory of you. Thranduil not knowing that you had been returned to Middle Earth again and Thorin not knowing that you were allowed to live again."_

_"I will go, I will do as you ask." She said and he nodded._

_"You will know all the languages you've known in the past but no more than that, are you certain about this daughter?"_

_"As certain as I can be." She said and he nodded, then in a flash of light she was gone._

She woke in the middle of a battlefield blood covering her head, who was she, where was she? She stared frantically around her but all there was were the dead and there were so many of them. She backed up screaming frantically trying to get away from the too still bodies. Someone ran up to her hands grabbing her shoulders and she stared frantically up at eyes she didn't know, that she never knew.

"What is wrong with you guard?"

"Who am I? How did I get here?" She asked the healer putting a hand to her forehead. "Who are you am I a guard who do I guard?" She asked and he stared at her in shocked surprise.

"You remember nothing?" He asked gentle hands going to her forehead.

"Nothing who am I?"

"I do not know, Dain asked for willing volunteers and promised that we would be rewarded for our service and that our families would be compensated but so many signed the lists and so many died."

"I see." She said simply and shook against the healer. "Please can I have some food and water?"

"Of course, can you walk?" He asked and she nodded, she stood up shakily the healer taking her arm to help her balance. Her body was bruised and she hurt all over, but she was alive unlike so many people that they passed on their way to the healing tents. She started crying after a while, sobbing as she walked, the healer cried as well.

"Sleep well warriors, may you dream of a world at peace." She said, she paused in front of a young elf, he looked asleep except for the large wound on his abdomen. "_Rest well and travel to the world of our fathers." _She said and closed his eyes.

"Why did you stop for him and not for the others."

"He was so young." She replied. "No more than a lad." She said and sobbed again as she walked her eyes blurring after a time. She stopped often after that, closing sightless eyes and resting hands on stomachs, stroking back hair when the faces were preserved well and pulling up tunics where they were. The healer walked with her and she gasped when she saw someone's chest move up and down. It was a young elf, there was a wound on his chest but he still lived. She ran to him going to her knees beside his body. "Give me your healing kit and your needle and thread." She said and the healer complied. She took the alcohol spilling it on his chest, before she looked at the wound, it was deep but it had only cut through muscle and not anything vital. Somehow he had survived. She knit together the torn muscle as best she could, as well as the skin, staring at his ashen face. "_COME COME TO ME A WARRIOR YET LIVES, COME TO_ _ME AND HELP ME SAVE HIM." _She shouted out and someone ran towards her, an elf came over to her and stared at her in shock.

"Who are you?" He asked. "How do you know our tongue?"

"I don't know who I am, I woke on the battlefield, and I don't remember anything." She said gently stroking the injured elf's hair. "Will you be able to save him."

"I might thanks to you, if you need anything you need only ask."

"I thank you." She said and smiled, before rising. "I am glad that he will be alright." She added and moved on moving through the dead with the healer by her side. There were no more she found like the elf, instead she only found more of the dead. She was exhausted by the time she reached the healing tents but she couldn't sleep, because of her head wound. Instead she ate and sang songs to keep her awake as she was given a healing kit and saw to warrior's wounds. They stared at her some of their eyes were glassy from tonics, others from grief. She bandaged wounds and sewed up skin. She ate when people pressed food into her hands and then finally she was allowed to clean herself. She took off her armor and healers stared at her as she looked at them confused. "What's wrong?"

"Your a woman."

"So?" She asked.

"Your a woman, you shouldn't be bathing with the dwarrows." The healer said.

"Why we are all tired and we all need a bath." She said and sank into one of the large copper tubs sighing.

"Because your a woman." The healer said.

"You can't see anything unless you look, so don't look." She said and sighed, scrubbing her body and gently washing her hair. She braided it back and stepped from the bath wrapping a towel around her and walking over to a bench. They stared at her.

"You shouldn't have gone to battle, we don't allow our women to fight."

"Well apparently I went anyway, though I don't remember why." She said and smiled. "Could I borrow some clothes from someone, I don't want to wear that armor again, I think its dented." She said and someone quickly gave her a shirt and a pair of pants, she put them on and nodded her thanks. She put them on using the towel as a cover, before moving out of the bathing tent. She walked from tent to tent, caring for everyone she found inside them.

She tended their wounds but many were suffering from the pain of their loss. None more than a dwarf in a blue fur waistcoat who was sobbing, a small body clutched in his arms. "All my fault, all my fault." He said over and over and over again.

"Set him down, he is passed hearing your words." She said not unkindly, blue eyes met her and he stared at her in shock.

"Your female."

"Yes I am, I have lost all memories, who was this person to you? I have not seen his like before."

"Nor will you again." Thorin said and sobbed. "Don' take him from me."

"He is dead, he has gone to his afterlife and you holding him will not change that." She said and laid a hand on his shoulder. "You are getting his blood all over you and mourning like this will not bring him back." She said gently. "He should be laid to rest."

"You are right, but I cannot let him go." Thorin said and stared down at the form in his arms, the mangled body. "He saved my sister sons, killed my greatest enemy and was so very brave throughout our quest. I was not kind to him, I should have been kinder, and I should have..." He sobbed and she sighed.

"You did what you did and he did what he did, you need to get yourself together! You look like someone important, you can go to pieces over someone's death." She said putting her hands on her hips. "More over would he want you to act like this?"

"I love him, he was my one, and I have lost my one."

"I am sorry for your loss, but you must be strong for your people." She said. "Set him down and walk among the injured and tend them as you can."

"I know nothing of healing, only of killing." He said and cried setting down the body and she nodded, taking his hand.

"Your presence alone will make them feel better, I don't know why I know this but I do." She said and took his bloody hand in her own. "Come with me." She said. "You need something strong to drink and something hot to eat." She said gently. "It could be worse you could not remember anything as I do." She smiled reassuringly at him

"I wish that I didn't remember." He said darkly and allowed someone to take the hobbit's body away. He walked with her to the baths and she insisted that he wash himself. Chiding him into the water, he glowered darkly at her, but she ignored it.

"Scowl all you want, you are washing that blood off." She said flatly and watched as he winced as he washed himself. She saw that he was wounded and glared at him. "You should have gone to the healers, idiot dwarrow." She said. "Get out of that water at once and I'll clean and bandage those wounds." She demanded and he stared at her in shock.

"Do you know who I am?"

"I'm sure you think yourself very important, but you are flesh and blood, flesh and blood that is a bit more fleshy and bloody than I would like." She said and he stared at her, before she turned her back. "Wrap a towel around your waist and I will see to your wounds." She heard a splash as he came out of the water other dwarves were staring at her but she didn't care. He glowered at her as she smiled at him, before she was given some hard alcohol and bandages. She used one simply to clean his wounds. They were small enough that the bandages would do, she wrapped his wounds and a moment later some clothing appeared. She turned her back as he got dressed and they went together to where people were setting out a meal. She grabbed two bowls and handed him one, before she also took a bottle of alcohol from the supplies and handed it to him. He gulped down half the bottle. "Eat as well." She said and he glared at her again before shoving a spoonful of food into his mouth. "You are a warrior, not a petulant child act like it." She chided again and he glared at her. "Glare at me all you like." She stated flatly. "You will eat, whoever that male was to you, he would not wish to see you go hungry. If he was here he would tell you the same, eat now." She stated and he stared at her. "You are but skin and bones, you need food and plenty of it." She said digging into her own food and he stared at her in shock a moment. "Do I need to feed you like a baby, or will you eat?"

He ate, finishing the bowl and she pressed another into his hands, which he also ate. He drank as well, listing to one side then another, after a while. She sighed and wrapped an arm around him. "Silly dwarf." She said gently. "Let me have the bottle." She added and he shook his head, gulping down what was left of the contents and falling unconscious a moment later trapping her under him as he fell. She managed to shove the bowl away from both of them as he snored loudly. "A little help if you would."

"I am not touching the King." Someone said and she paled, she had talked to a King as if he was an errant child. She knew what a King was, even if she didn't know the name of this one.

"I will do so, I have heard much about you and how you saved my son's friend and one of my loyal guards." Someone said. "The least I can do in return is save you from the clutches of a drunken dwarf." Thranduil said and she stared up at him, she felt the odd sense of longing she felt when she had first looked at Thorin, she wanted to ease the sadness in his eyes, as she had tried to help the dwarven king.

"Help would be appreciated, I do not know your name however."

"You may call me Thranduil." Thranduil said amused. "It is quite novel to have someone not know who I am." He said.

"I take it that you are an important elvan noble then? Do not take advantage of a dwarrowdam who has lost her memory." She stated and Thranduil laughed.

"Indeed I am the King of Mirkwood and you are a brazen one aren't you."

"I suppose, I wouldn't know would I?" She asked and he laughed again.

"Very true, I will help you." He said and lifted Thorin off of her, she scrambled out from underneath him.

"Thank you." She said dusting off her trousers. "I suppose these are ruined now, if only I knew where my things were. Then again I would know who I was then."

"You do not remember who you are?" He asked and she sighed.

"I don't remember anything I got wounded during the battle and everything is a blank."

"Yet you have some skill with healing." He said and she shrugged.

"Maybe its what I remember because its instinctive, I just want to help them." She started crying then and the elf stared at her.

"You are, you have saved many lives with your skills in the healing arts this day." He said and smiled at her. "You do not seem to care who you are healing, you treat all the same. Whether they be human, dwarf or elleth, that in itself is remarkable."

"Not really injured solders are injured solders and you should recall that I don't remember anything. Whatever is making you say that, I don't remember what you are talking about. When you have no memories of how horribly others have treated you, perhaps you would be a lot like me." She said and he laughed.

"I like how headstrong you are to, you remind me of someone I knew a long time ago."

"Oh really? Who?" She asked and his expression grew sad.

"An amazing woman, the world had never seen her like before, nor will they see it again. My beautiful starlight..."He trailed off and started to sob breaking down.

"Come sit with me, eat and drink, you need to eat." She said gently and he stared at her, his eyes full of sadness. All the sadness of centuries was in his eyes.

"I will not eat this food, it has meat in it and it is not a feast day." He said and she sighed.

"What's wrong with meat, its very tasty."

"Elves do not eat meat, we are of the wild woods and to eat meat is to give into that wildness. We stopped long ago after we realized how we were causing pain to the animals that we ate."

"I see, well then have some bread or something."

"I will not eat this food, please do not press me. I am not hungry anyway." He said and she sighed.

"Alright be that way ice king." She said and he glared at her, she grinned at him. "What's with rulers and them shooting these glares, you won't frighten me. You know you can't get away with not eating, I'll track down someone that can make you eat if I can't." She said stubbornly and he stared at her in shock.

"You care that much for my well being?"

"We have just been through all my memories have been of death and violence. Why wouldn't I care for you, caring for others allows me to not think of what has happened to me." She said and smiled. "You need to eat, even ice kings need to eat." She said and he stared at her in shock as she stood, pulling him up. She walked with him to where the elves had set up a camp. "Your king needs to eat and he's too stubborn to come here himself." She said and glared at Thranduil. Everyone stared at her and she sighed. "Your king is being a stubborn fool and blames himself for those you lost today, please assure him that it is not his fault and care for him. I will leave if you wish."

"No stay." He said and glared at her. "Though you have no right to tell my people how I feel, or make assumptions about my feelings. I want you by my side." He said and she smiled softly patting his hand.

"Then I will stay beside you, I can always do with a bit more food. I can't drink or sleep, not until this heals up, so I have nothing to do other than to wander through the camps." She said and settled herself down on the ground, Thranduil was handed a bowl full of stewed vegetables, and she was given the same. She was surprised by how good it was, despite not having meat, she ate the food warming her and making her feel less alone. She had no idea who her friends or family were and so she simply stayed besides those she felt needed her.

He ate and someone passed him a bottle of wine which he gulped down like it was water, it was clear that he wanted to fall into unconsciousness just as much as Thorin did. She saw someone playing a harp and she stared at the instrument. "Can I try that?" She asked and she was handed the harp, soon a haunting melody rang throughout the camp, she remembered hearing it long ago and loving it. Her world narrowed down to her fingers and the instrument, the music she was playing. Someone started another song and she played along with them. Then someone else started to sing a song of starlight and a love that lasted longer than a lifetime. It was a beautiful song, full of love and longing and made a smile curve at her lips.

They sang and then some started dancing, flowing around her beautifully and elegantly, she could see the sadness in their eyes as they danced. Someone started another song and another, she heard the sound of loud snoring and the elvan king's head came to rest on her shoulder. She smiled softly, continuing to play listening only to the music that was being made.

A young elf stared at her, longing in his eyes and she smiled up at him, slightly confused. "Hello do I know you?"

"No but I think we know you, somehow. How would you know these songs otherwise?"

"I don't know, I don't remember anything." She said and sighed. "Including my own name."

"What do you think of the name Celestarial?" He asked and she smiled.

"It is a beautiful name, why?" She asked and smiled. "Its a name of starlight and moonbeams." She said and he smiled softly.

"It was my mother's name, she died when I was young."

"Oh I'm sorry for your loss." She said and one hand came up touching his own. "There is such sadness in your eyes, it tugs at my heart, as your father's did. You shouldn't be sad, you should be happy." She said. "I know that is hard now, but I think you laugh more than you cry." She said and he sobbed, before he grabbed her and buried his head against her chest. "Oh you are so very young, aren't you?" She asked gently, before moving the harp out from under him, as he sobbed. She felt the need to stroke his hair, a desire so strong she couldn't ignore it.

She stroked his hair gently and he clutched onto her tightly. She started to sing not a song this time, but simply a melody, as she held him. The melody flowed through her, just as the music had, it was nothing that she remembered but it was beautiful. She stroked his hair as he cried, slowly sinking onto her lap, his grip loosening with time. Then he started to snore, just as loudly at his father and she smiled softly down at him. He was so very beautiful, she could see part of his face and the tips of his ears as he slept, a small smile curving the corners of his mouth. His eyes were open, but they were fogged over in his slumber as his father's eyes were. They looked like the light of the stars, shining slightly in the darkness. his hair bright in the firelight.

He looked so very young in his sleep he needed to be protected. He needed to know that he was safe still, that he was loved. Yet she wasn't the one to assure him of these things, how could she be? His mother died a very long time ago, from the way he talked about her and she wasn't that elf maiden. She was a dwarf, one of Mahal's children, not one of Eru's.

A young dwarf stared at her and she looked up at him smiling. "Good evening." She said and he stared back at her in shock.

"You would caress them and care for them, after all they have done?" The young dwarf demanded and she smiled softly.

"I have no memories of anything lad, they needed me and so I helped them." She said simply. "What is truly wrong?" She added and he stared at her. "Why did you seek me out?"

"Because you helped my Uncle, he is resting now and he refused to before." He said and she smiled.

"I am glad your Uncle is well, I tried to help as many as I could, but I'm afraid more will die before this night is through." She said and the young dwarf's eyes filled with tears. "Come over here, my lap is big enough for two." She said and he stared at her in shock. "Just don't wake the elleth." She said and smiled softly, caressing his hair. "This day has been hard on many, perhaps it is good I remember nothing." She said and he stared at her his face pale. "Come over here young one." She said gently.

He came to her and she smiled softly, before moving the young elf's head and settling it down on one leg, the dwarf settled on the other. He held onto her and cried. "Its alright, they are in the father's halls now and one day you will see them again." She said gently. "One day a very long time from now, you will see these brave warriors again, as will I." She said and he continued to cry. "Oh sweet lad, its alright, do not morn for them, for they to the makers halls, to sit at the table, beside the allfather and to feast with their brothers and sisters, until they are reborn or the world is remade. They are at peace, beyond pain, where we feel all the pain of their loss." She said and she reached down to stroke his hair, he moved into the touch and she smiled softly.

Her fingers moved of their own accord, braiding his hair. He sighed at the touch as she hummed a soft melody. They were both so very young, these two boys who had most likely never seen the horrors of war. She braided his hair, unbraided it and braided it again. He relaxed against her snoring and she smiled softly. She loved these boys, she didn't remember anything but she knew that much, she loved them with all her heart. She watched them sleep until morning came and she was handed a bowl of food. It was oatmeal, thick and sweet with dried fruit, she ate hungrily, managing not to spill it in Thranduil's hair. It was delicious and she was given a second bowl and a hand was pressed to her forehead. She managed not to moan as a green light spread across her face and down her body. The pain that had been constant was gone and she fell into sleep.


End file.
